Dear Author Margo,
I belong to a writer's group and critiques and conversations sometimes get a tad personal if not downright nasty. There’s one person who creates all this drama and most of us are intimidated by her. She’s also a very talented writer with some important industry connections. One well liked member left the group because was a bit thin skinned. She recently signed with a big agent and her manuscript is being considered by editors. Is it too late for me to let her know I'm not a back biting bitch like the rest of the group and ask her out for coffee to celebrate her great news?
Dear Pollyanna with a Bow On Top,
This may come as a surprise, but you're as big of a bitch as the biggest bitch of the bunch bitches. Oh my god, do you feel attacked? And it just came out of nowhere! And there's no one to back you up! How unfair! I mean, you ask an innocent question and then you get singled out and judged. How rude is that?
Sorry, I take that back, you don't have enough balls to be a bitch. You're what in my Granny's day was called a toadie. You hide behind the biggest bully so that bully won't bully you. A bully isn’t much of a bully if she doesn’t have a toadie to “haha” at her mean jokes and keep her trap shut when she’s told to. What bullies, and their toadies, don't realize is that a bully spends so much time bullying they don't do much more than bully. This is why your big bitch of a bully only has a loyal group of bootlickers, like you, to kiss her ring to show for her efforts. And those industry connections of hers? She’s never, ever, going to share them with you. Ever.
I'd be surprised if the former member and now soon-to-be published author took you up on your invite. Or maybe she will. If you've gotten this far, you know as well as anyone what gluttons writers are for punishment.