Emotional Vampires

Guess who's in town? Yes, that bitch M---. Guess whose place she's crashing at? Yes, this bitch's. M---, fired from her job, broken up with her married boyfriend and sick of freezing her ass off in Chicago, thinks she can make a real go of it in Los Angeles and realize her (month-old) dream of becoming a singer. She majored in STDs in college and won a few karaoke contests so she thinks this is all it takes to become the next Katy Perry. 

Hell, maybe she's right. As she's pointed out about a dozen times since I picked her up at the airport, my career as a social media juggernaut hasn't quite taken off. M--- has always had a gift for being blunt. Her nickname in college was Sledgehammer (which I tweaked to Sluthammer, but she has no idea I was behind this and I'd like to keep it that way).

Why do I hang out with her? Why do I consider her my best friend? Why didn't I buy a case of Lysol so I could spray down the toilet seat after she goes to the bathroom? Because I had no idea she was coming until I got her frantic phone call from the LAX yesterday at 6 in the morning.

M--- didn't bother to bring her own laptop or cell phone, so she's been using mine. She says she's looking for a job, but she's stalking her ex who's too dumb to change his passwords. M--- keeps asking if I think she's a bad person for getting involved with a married man. There's no right answer, so I just tell her I want her to be happy even though I'm glad she's miserable. Actually, M--- is always miserable or making someone else miserable. It seems to make her stronger and she's never happier when despair is on the menu. Too bad she can't clothe, feed and house herself on that particular talent.

I have to go to work soon and am going to sneak out with my laptop. I don't need her breaking into my email account and finding out I've been sending out resumes to some really lame jobs. M--- thinks I'm not living up to my potential, which I'm totally not, but coming from her it's not much of an incentive to start podcasting my really deep hatred for my latest temp assignment and posting snippets of my dating life on YouTube. I know enough about the Internet to know that I just need one video that people will flock to.

Yesterday I saw a squirrel with a lollipop. True! It was the sweetest and cutesiest thing ever and I didn't have my cell phone. M--- did. So it's her fault I didn't get a chance at Internet stardom and that I'm going to have to figure some other way to achieve my potential. I doubt I'll be able to find another lollipop loving squirrel unless I'm willing to stage it which I totally am.

I want my couch, laptop and cell phone back. If I can't have any of those, I'll settle for liberating a can of Lysol from work. You know what? The mess M--- has made of her life makes actually me feel like I have mine together. Now to find that squirrel and get my juggernaut rolling.

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