The Lace Dress Taste Test

 From little to lots, lace says a lot...

I recently had a close call with a dress up event and even though I had a valid excuse that kept me from attending, I realized that my choices for dressing up are slim to none. (My Mrs. MBA dress has been officially retired, but it's still in my closet. Mocking me.) Of course, I have stuff in my closet but none that I'd want to wear to a hypothetical event or, in fact, at all.

So along with other crucial areas of my life, I've neglected the serious author at a nighttime event of side my wardrobe. And because there's nothing more that I like to do when I'm supposed to be doing something else, I've done some online shopping for lace frocks that rock and am ranking them from way too slutty to acceptably slutty.

Well, as my mother would say. Well. I can't begin to fathom how anyone in her right mind would wear this dress out in public, Lace Lingerie dress, $139 . Honestly, when I first saw it I thought I'd accidentally found myself on the Fredrick's of Hollywood site. What sends it over the edge, in my prudish opinion, are the attached garters. It might look a tad less slutty with plain black stockings instead of lace ones, but this dress would not do me any favors in my quest to be taken seriously as an author...or woman for that fact.

And, by the way, I'll totally shop at FofH because they have a sense of humor about their clothes and are honest that the only reason anyone buys or wears them is to get laid. Real good.

Forever 21:
I usually stay well away from Forever 21 because I'm way too past 21 to be able to justify shopping there. Still, it's a fun place to peruse for stuff that will only be worn once or twice before it falls apart or whoever is wearing it comes to their senses and puts on a sweater before slinking home...whichever comes first.

This dress, Lace One Shoulder dress, has one thing going for it and it's the price. For $22.80 it's a bargain and why you only get one sleeve. It's probably made out of that cheap lace that shrivels up into a stinky wad when you burn it. (Don't ask me why I know this, but I do...from first hand experience.)

There's not much anyone could do to this dress to make it seem anything other then what it is--a cheap piece of fun that'll make you look like a cheap piece of ass. If that's your goal, go for it.

J. Crew:
Oh, J. Crew, you know I love you, but I don't love this frock, Elena Shift Lace dress. If I did find myself in it and out in public, at least I wouldn't feel like some Saturday night skank in it. It has two sleeves (always a plus in my fashion book) and costs $595. For that price I demand a smidgen of respectability. It is a bit on the short side so I'd wear it with opaque tights, doing the world a favor by not exposing too much thigh.

You know, looking at it a little more closely I think I'd really like it in another material...and with a bit more hem.

In all honesty, I wouldn't attempt any of these dresses. I'm just not a lace on the outside kind of gal and I'm totally okay with that. It was enough for me to see what's out there and decide that a lace dress isn't for me. And I feel good about myself for not spending the money on a dress I know I'd hate myself for wearing. That's good cheap fun.

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