'Tis the Season to Annoy

I (usually) put a lot of thought into the gifts I give. I do, though, wish I was one of those people who is always on the lookout for the perfect something for that special person, buys it and the tucks it away and has it on hand when it's time for giving. But I'm not one of those people (who I suspect have designated gift wrapping area if not an entire room in their home).

With things as not so fun as they are, this year gift giving is extra-fraught. Do you give something frivolous or something useful? I don't have the answer and I'm playing it safe by giving books this year (not my own). But if I were free to give with impunity, here are a few things I'm sure would make some sort of impression when unwrapped. (To makes things easier, all are available via amazon.com)

Give the gift of love this season, give the give of a super clean colon. Honestly, we all know our loved ones are already burdened with so much crap these days there's no reason they should be toting it around in their insides. I mean, I know I can't do anything about the economy, the mortgage crises, the rampant douchery on Wall Street or that fact that those two fucktards Heidi and Spencer keep showing up in US magazine, but I can help someone I love whistle Dixie a little louder in the morning.

A jug of Super Colon Cleanse says "Hey, take some time just for you. No rush, no clocks, set those deadlines aside for a few...hours. This is all about you and your colon. You can thank me when you're able to leave your home again."

Oh, boy! Lube! I'm one of those people who thinks that if you need lube, one or both are probably not getting several things right. Natural lube is the one thing in life we should be able to count on. I mean it's free...after dinner, a movie and maybe a modest bouquet of flowers sent along earlier as a primer.

But if you have to break out a bottle, boys, be proud about it and man up. None of that non-threatening unisex couples stuff or the clinical goop your gal's gynecologist uses. No! Whip out something that'll do justice to what you've already whipped out.

I don't know about you, but if I met a man who stocked a bottle of Gun Oil in his nightstand, I'd be game for just about anything. But not that.

I'm including Partini by virtue of it's mega-annoying commercial. It is so annoying, I can't help watching it just to experience the most squirm and snarl filled 30 seconds of my day. I don't care if Partini could guarantee me getting laid for life, I refuse to buy it...for myself.

I could see giving Partini to that one person who is under the impression that a room, no matter how big or small, just lights up when they set foot in it. In their opinion, they're not just the life of the party, they are the party. Thank you, Hasbro, for making a game just as obnoxious as they are and for giving me a way to let them know how I feel about them without having to actually say it.

1 comment:

Super Colon Cleanse said...

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