Sweater Weather

A decade in San Fransisco reinforced my love of sweaters. Besides missing the food, having the option to dress in cozy layers is one of the things I miss since we moved back to L.A. a couple of years ago. So I was pretty tickled to look out of my window this morning and see that sweater weather is finally here (at least for the day). My love of sweaters is tempered by my boobs. I have to take them into consideration when shopping (no double breasted anything!) because they're not going anywhere and just like I avoid overly-faded jeans so my thighs don't look huge, I buy my sweaters with maxim svelteness in mind. So as I was poking around looking at my sweater options online I came up with a couple that work (because I'm stubborn) and a few I have to stay away from (because I know better).

OK, it's a turtleneck, which are tricky for a C-cup gal, and it has a swingy bottom which is no friend to ladies with hips, but with the right pants and neat hair, it would look very nice and put together with minimal effort (always a plus in my book). Now, short sleeves on a sweater is pretty close to an oxymoron as far as I'm concerned but the weather here in L.A. sometimes calls for flexibility and this is as flexible as I get. ($98 at Anthropologie.)

This sweater can be worn in so many different ways, except by me. Even though there is a clear delineation between my waist, hips and bust, the crop and knit would make it seem like I was suffering from some localized allergic reaction in the chest, back and upper arms. Plus the wide sleeves? Friend to no one, even the twiggy armed. Why include it? Because it's just so wrong but looks like it would be cute. (Anthropologie, $??--it's no longer on the site, thank God.)

This gap turtleneck, with its extra long sleeves, is priced super right at under $35 and I could see myself buying in bulk, except for the fact that turtlenecks are not the busty girl's friend. Anything over a B-cup looks a little like mono-boob (if you're wearing a good bra) or like two poorly supported globs (if you're not) in a turtleneck, but fuck it. When I'm cold I don't want to have to worry about showing the right amount of clavicle so I don't look top heavy.

How to still wear turtleneck despite the obvious drawbacks? Keep working out, eating right and balance the whole thing out with monochromatic colors (no stripes or patterns), a thin knit that lies flat and isn't shiny, lean jeans or tailored pants, heels (blah!), great posture, a good bra and maybe even one of those cami-body shapers to minimize bumps and lumps. All this for a sweater. Sheesh!

Conversely, I wouldn't go near this cowl necked sweater, also from gap, with 50% off coupon (which would make it $44). Nothing says dumpy like a cowl neck and, combined with a cable knit, a person with an ample chest is just asking to look like a puffer fish. And I looked like a puffer fish through most of junior high and high school and I'm not going back, no matter how cold I get.

So there's my sweater rundown. Next week I'll tackle sweater coats. I love sweater coats! Unfortunately the wrong sweater coat (which is most) can look like a the housecoat your grandma used to insist on wearing when she went out to sweep the front walk.

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