Cary Revisted: Betyayed by Facebook

OK, I've made it pretty plain to anyone who will listen to me that I can't stand the advice Cary Tennis gives people on the Since You Asked column that runs on salon.com. When I mentioned this, yet again, to my sister she said, "Why don't you shut up and do something about it."

So I am.

The plan is to read and paraphrase a letter to Cary and answer it before reading his answer which I'll also paraphrase and full on pull quote the most egregious parts of his pontificating.

Dr. Margo is in...


Today's question, in short, concerns, a fairly recent college co-ed who was the subject of ridicule by her so called chums on her facebook page. But it goes on, I'm reading as I type here so bear with me, she went on to graduate early and, to her horror and ours, found herself turning into the person her so called chums always said she was. And now she's gay. Not sure how that factors in, but she's seen a therapist and took some meds but feels (not so secretly) that she'd be better off in a cave instead of inflicting her presence on the rest of humankind. It's been a year since her facebook betrayal and she just can't get over it.

After reading her letter, I have to agree she might be suited to park ranger duty at some isolated fire post in the middle of nowhere. Not only would she be doing something useful, looking out for forest fires and keeping track of loggers as the rape our country of its natural resources, but she's be far away from everyone and everything she contaminates with her whiny neediness. And chances are, they're would only be spotty Internet access so she couldn't waste time cyber-stalking her ex-chums.

Now, I'm not a total bitch (yes, I am) and I can see this gal is really miserable and I surmise it's that very miserableness which the cause for most of her issues. People don't like to hang around those who are real downers. They just bitch and moan all the time and even if you feel bad for them at first, eventually when they just won't stop, you can only come to believe that they deserve the treatment they're bitching and moaning about. I don't buy the awkward social skills she claims about having and being a prime factor in her problems. I have awkward social skills and some people still want to hang around with me.

My advice to this person would be: get over it. Someone out there has to like you, if not get a gold fish or an iguana. Then find yourself a hobby, like ultra long distance running. You can't very well alienate people if running hundreds of miles 24 hours a day. There are groups who do this together so even if they're running away from you, you're really running with them. And then use your education to work in a field that will put your suffering into perspective like at a public library or as a junior high social studies teacher.

So let's see what Cary says. Right away he uses words that are bound to feed into her need to be a victim like banishment, exiled and shunned. (I swear he just feeds off of this stuff.) He goes on and gets all medieval equating her experience as that of a branded outcast, forced to wander from village to village. Then he tells her to move to California. (Speaking as someone who is from California, we don't need anymore broken people here, Cary, but thanks for thinking of us.) Anyway it all comes back to the village and how the Internet is like the modern technological version of village. (Gosh, I feel stupid for not seeing that from the get go.) The only way for her to heal herself is for her to get away from the Internet and live in an urban setting (right because only cities are nice to gays) and become the person she was always meant to be. To speed things along she should"accept the fact that this was a deep and shattering betrayal."

So I was sort of on the Cary wavelength by suggesting she consider changing her environment and stepping away from her laptop. On an advice columnist scale of 1 to 5 I give myself a 2, but I'm still learning...empathy.

Dr. Margo is out...

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