10 L.A. Things I Have Not (Yet) Done

After a bit more than a decade in San Francisco, I've moved back to Los Angeles. In that time, I graduated from college, paid off my student loan, got married, had a kid and signed my first book contract (Underneath It All, Jan. '07 and Life Over Easy, Oct. '07, both published by Kensington Books). Those aren't the only changes, but they are big ones. What's also changed is my zipcode. I might only live around a dozen miles from where I grew up in Northeast Los Angeles, but West Los Angeles might as well be a whole other city. Even the weather is different on this side of the 405 freeway.

To keep track of just how much I've changed from when I lived in San Francisco or haven't, I've made a list of 10 very LA-ish things I may or may not do.

1. Visited an astrologer.
I, like the next person, would like to know what’s going to happen before it does. The people who’ve I met who are really into astrology swear by it but it seems to me they only want to tell you about the good stuff and are vague about everything else. Since I like good surprises, I don’t want it ruined by knowing about them, or even hazy dates when they might occur. I don’t need to know the husband my signs are incompatible, it doesn’t take a genius or an astrologer to see that. I want specifics for when the cosmically bad stuff is going to happen. I want details, GPS coordinates and an email address. I want real answers and astrology just can’t give them to me. I’d rather live in blissful ignorance and be blindsided like a regular person.

2. Had a colonic.
I’m more likely to have my insides irrigated then have my chart done. What’s not to love about a spa setting colonic? Sure, a hose is inserted up your rectum, a stream of pressurized water evacuates god knows what out of your tract leaving you pounds lighter, but in the end they give you some nice tea and you’re able to answer no, honestly, when some asks you if you’re full of it.

3. Spotted a real celebrity.
This is due mostly to the fact that I don’t get out much and when I do its only to dorky places where famous people don’t hang out. I don’t even make a point of going to the cool Target in West Hollywood in hopes of spotting one of the Desperate Housewives buying paper towels in bulk. I figure, if it’s going to happen they’re going to have to trek to my neck of the woods.

4. Purchased or worn a Juicy Couture velour track suit.
I’ve been tempted to give in to the obvious comfort of wearing an overpriced sweat suit, but so far I’ve abstained. And as I reach middle age, the prospect grows dimmer and dimmer as my butt grows less and less defined.

5. Had a boozy encounter with a c-list reality star hanging on to his last 15 minutes of fame in an overpriced/hyped celebrity eatery bathroom.

I have nothing against meaningless vacuous casual sex. Really, I don’t but I do have standards. My first being I won’t part with my panties for just any sub-celebrity--they’d at least have to have been on one of my favorite shows for me to even consider it. Second, the bathroom would have to be really, really nice. (I usually judge a restaurant by the bathroom.) Finally, this celebrity of dubious status would also have to be discreet since the husband would sue my ass off for alimony if he got any proof of extracurricular hanky-panky. So, since I value my money (and reputation) this is one item I’m not likely to cross off my list. And if I do, I sure as hell would never blog about it. That’s what my books are for.

6. Taken a Meeting.
If you ask me, people hold meetings way too often and not just in Los Angeles. One sure way to put me in a coma is to ask me to one. I usually wind up doodling, mostly lines or the same word over and over again.

7. Attended a premier.
Not only that, I’ve also declined offers to get a sneak peek at weirdly named films by guys holding a clip board that reads “Free! Movie! Tonight!” First of all, I’m already standing in line to watch a specific movie and I’m just not a risk taker. I’d rather pay my close to $9 and watch what I came to see, but thanks anyway.

8. Shopped at a store just because it was mentioned in In Style.
If I was running a how to be a celebrity school for celebrities, this magazine would be required reading. It lays it all out, from what kind of sheets to sleep on to where to get a good weave, sorry extensions.

Disclaimer: I have been to Fred Segal (both the one in Santa Monica and “Hollywood”) and I’ve even eaten lunch at the SM FS, but I’ve never purchased anything or would consider dropping $175 on a pair of corduroy pants that would just wind up making me look fat, no matter what the shop clerk says. I'll give myself a pass on this one since buying food, stuff that you need to live, is not the same as buying a T-shirt with a silk screened image of the Virgin Mary on it.

9. Talked on my cell while…
a. standing in line at the supermarket.
b. trying on clothes in a dressing room.
c. out to dinner and seated at the table.
d. getting a mani/pedi.

Note on d.: I once returned and overdue phone call while sitting in a vibrating massage chair, but that was only because I really didn't want to talk to the person and I could say "Listen, I'm in the middle of getting my heels pumiced and I don't want to be rude to the woman crouched at my feet. Can I call you back later?"

10. Been asked my honest opinion on Lindsay Lohan.
Not that I have one, but it would be nice if someone asked.

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